i make out with him in a back alley like we're teenagers. he gives me a fucking HICKEY, fer chrissake. i haven't had a hickey since high school. we don't actually have sex, not even sort of...just heavy kissing & copping a few feels now and then. still, we remain chaste as chaste can be when one of us is MARRIED. so, a couple days pass where i feel alternately guilty and thrilled that a young 30-something single guy wants me. he texts my phone the next morning...while i'm still in the guilt phase...so i ignore it. try to pretend it didn't happen. the silly hickey is a 'curling iron burn'...and i try to forget. which works just fine until tonight, when my husband tells me he's horny but tired (subtext=kind of bored, too). So i answer the text, tell him to call me (embarrasingly, neither of us remembers each others name - just the lust, the want, the FUCK ME NOW feeling). Weirdly, that's ok with us both. We really just want to screw each other silly. So...what do i do? follow my fantasy? (in all my years as a single person, i've wanted to fuck a black man but never had the chance or the right man). i realize that this sounds horrible: i don't want to fuck him just b/c he's black, or just b/c he's younger than me, though those things play heavily into my fantasies... i want to fuck him because there is something i've lost in my marriage: this younger hot guy wants to worship me, wants to pay a kind of attention to me, and my pussy, that i think my husband has forgotton about. i want to fuck him to see him come: to worship him, his cock...something my husband now takes for granted. BUT. but. but. i'm not the kind of woman to have an affair, to cheat on a husband who loves me even once the sense of being cherished is gone. i know that is unsustainable in the long-term, but easy to achieve in the short, esp. with a man who knows he can never really HAVE ME, OWN ME, OR COUNT ON ME. goddammit, that's part of the thrill: I AM NOT YOURS. I do not belong to you any more than you belong to me. WE CAN JUST ENJOY EACH OTHER'S BODIES. he knows where we stand. i can't bring myself to tell my husband my fantasies about this (he pretends he would indulge my fantasies, but i don't trust the reality of detail). is his race part of the thrill? it's another horrible thing i hate to admit (because generally, i don't 'see' race often). but yes, yes, yes, it is. the thought of his dark skin against my fair irish-american skin is thrilling to me. but then there's the fears: #1, my husband finds out and is hurt because i didn't tell him first. #2, that this sweet young man wants more from me than i can give. #3, he's just playing out his own fantasy and i am just his pawn. and the worst fear???? once he sees this 44 year old body he finds me completely unattractive. i don't really want advice, i'm afraid. i'll probably follow through on this because I WANT. because HE WANTS. because...what's the worst that can happen? chances are (safe sex), no one will ever know besides the two of us...
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